You know that feeling when you start liking someone. You know how your palms get all sweaty and just by the thought of that someone your stomach turns into a ball, you lose sense of reality, you lose all your senses. You know how late at night the pictures in your head, the pictures of him, keep you awake, even though you have to wake up early in the morning? And no matter who you meet during the day, he is always on your mind during the night. I want to always feel that way. To be in love with life. To wake up full of enthusiasm, wondering what today holds for me. I don’t ever want to make plans, because I don’t want to follow them either.
I want to compete with myself, and lose every time. I want to get better with every mistake, with every failure. I want to be better for him. I want him to see every gesture, every smile, because he always knows when I look at him. He knows me all too well, though we rarely meet. But I’m patiently waiting for the day that I would not wake up, simply because I couldn’t sleep all night, so I never went to bed. I want him outside my house in two in the morning, just because he decided to say hi. I want to constantly hear his voice, and not only in my head. I want to feel it on my skin, the lightest touch of a sinner across my face, my lips, my hips, my beating heart. I want him to be silent while I’m taking my clothes off and showing him the real me, the bare me, the afraid me. I want his eyes to do the talking, or better yet to be silent. Passion never needed words. Neither do I.
I just want to feel his presence. I am not his first, neither will I be his last. That didn’t stop me from falling in love. He will never remember me. But that didn’t stop him from lifting me from the ground and throwing me so high that I saw my future. I think I saw him there too.
I will always be in love with life. Even when I don’t love him that much. Because I am nothing without him.
M. Stefanova, 2013