Day 37: Drowning

Nude art 22Day 37: 26/05/13

The alcohol burned my throat like thousand fires. The taste of cigarettes on my thong was like the ashes of his kisses.

I took a long shower, I scrubbed my whole body; I wanted to take my skin off, to be completely naked.

It was like drowning.

I wanted to see how long I could keep my breath. It was longer than I expected that I started to suffocate.

The smell of sex was everywhere. The smell of me screwing things, pushing people away. The smell of love not being enough.

I started coughing.

It was like drowning.

I can’t swim.

And every time a door closes. Until they are all shut, until my heart is shut, until there is nothing left of me. I will become an empty shell, no pearls inside. Just dust.

One of my best friends told me not to fall in love too easily, because someday I won’t be able to feel a thing. A year after, right when he found out he was going to be a dad, he died in a car accident at the age of 19. Four years before that, when I was 12, three men attacked me, wanting to rape me. Life doesn’t get any better with time, we just become stronger. We have to.

M. Stefanova, 2013


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